Sushi

So Sunday night (after working 12 hours) I was walking home, and I convinced myself that I was really hungry. So I stopped off and bought sushi. Before this, I was eating sushi 2-3 times a week (my favorite food). And after I consumed 2 rolls, I looked at the calories. Not a great idea. But instead feeling like a failure and throwing in the towel, I decided to look at it as a learning opportunity - and try very hard not to go out after work. So back on track now. And not giving up.

A lot of packing in the morning

I'm trying something new for the next few days of work. Normally I get a breakfast and lunch packed for work and by the time I get home - I'm quite hungry. So today (and tomorrow) I packed breakfast, lunch, and supper to eat at work. Which means I'm either eating supper at 4 or 5 in the afternoon - pretty early. But I'm going to use the time after work to go for a walk. That way, I'm not eating really late in the day and then crawl into bed. I know there are two theories out there - one being that you shouldn't eat for 3 hours before bed and the other that as long as you don't overeat your calorie limit for the day, it doesn't matter when you eat. I think I believe the 2nd one, but I usually don't keep track of the food eaten later in the evening. So I'm just going to try to not have a big meal before I go to bed and see if I feel better this work stretch. It can't hurt to try, eh?

Went for a walk...

I did go on that bike ride yesterday.... and found out how many hills there actually are right by me! When I finally made it home yesterday - I couldn't move for 30 minutes. That is going to be my goal by the end of summer. To ride that route without having to walk up the hills. I'm pretty sure it can be done.

I only went for a walk today. 45 minutes. It looked like it was about to rain any moment, so I cut the walk short. And then when I got home and looked at the clock and realized that I cut it short and it still turned out to be 45 minutes, I knew that I'm doing better than I was a few weeks ago. I wasn't the least bit tired and I actually felt energized and not drained! I don't remember feeling like that before. So good news. I can easily walk 45 minutes now and it feels like a short walk. Slowly getting stronger and more healthy...

Reward

I figure I need positive reinforcement. So after following the plan to a "T" and feeling motivated (even though there was that one night that I really wanted to cheat), I decided to treat myself. And bought flowers. The florist even did the arrangement for me. There is nothing worse that buying flowers and then sticking them in a water jug without even trying to arrange them. I think it looks really sad. So I went all out. I even needed to buy the vase. It looks pretty good!

Yesterday finished up as a great day - I ate well and when I started to get bored in the evening (and wanting to eat), I went out for a lovely walk. It was still pretty warm out. And I didn't feel like eating even a little bit when I got home. Just needed water. So I think I'm going to go for a bike ride now - maybe a shorter one than last time. I need to get use to this bike seat!

Weigh in - 1

I have decided that I'm weighing in today because that works for my schedule. My weigh in days for Jenny Craig are every Saturday. But that really doesn't work for me. My life works on a 9 day week. How is that, you ask? Well, I work two 12 hour days, then two 12 hour nights, then 5 days off. Repeat. Every now and then I work 5 days on and then 4 days off. I decided that since this weight loss is for me, I'm going to weigh in for myself. Mostly because you are suppose to weigh yourself in at the same time in the day for it to be accurate. How could it possible be accurate if I was weighing myself at 5am one week and the very next week at 4pm when I wake up to work a night shift. I'll weigh in on the first full day off. So today is my first official weigh in.

I lost 6.9lbs!!! Yay! I'm feeling like this program is going to work. It is easy to bring things to work because there isn't much prep work. Yes, some days I have been hungry, but I can eat unlimited veggies and that helps. And I haven't cheated once yet. So still feeling motivated - I'm off for a swim now (my knee has been bugging me - I think I'll wait before I go for a ride on new bike)

My brand new bike

I woke up this morning at the crack of dawn (well, really just 6:30) which is a fall back to when I was a morning person. And I didn't have to work shift work. In my 6:30 haze, I realized that I need to work tomorrow, meaning I need to get up at 5:30, so why not get up now, making tomorrow that much easier? So I jumped out of bed (or slumped out) and changed into the swimsuit and off to the pool I went (the lovely part of living in a building with a pool) and I was the only one there!! Fabulous! So after 15 minutes of lane swimming and then 15 minutes of jumping jacks and treading, I stretched and came back home for breakfast.

Once breakfast was all done, I decided I needed to do some more research about bikes. I have been thinking about buying a bike for several years, but somehow just haven't done it. I sold my car 4 years ago and have been busing it since there (you know, doing my part for the environment) and some transportation around town would be helpful. Or a least a bike to take on exploration trips of the extensive bike trails by the river (walking doesn't take me far enough - I have seen the same thing over and over!).

After googling a few places and finding one with the best customer reviews, off I went. It opened at 10, I was there at 10:30 (yoohoo for the early swim). And I think I bought a bike 20 minutes later! I picked up a new helmet (you know you have a big head when only the men's large helmets fit) and a bell (apparently it is a bylaw here) and a lock. They serviced the bike (maybe 20 minutes) and then I was off. After not sitting on a bike for 11 years. And not really seriously riding for another 10 - I was a little shaky. But not as bad as I expected. I did have a ride around the showroom (only slightly embarrassing with the 20 year old salesman assuring me no one yet had crashed into the other bikes).

And then I realized the flaw in the plan. I picked the store that was separated from my house by A RIVER. And the 2 closest roads to cross - VERY BUSY. Great. So I picked the less busy of the two (and the one that I thought had a sidewalk - thankfully I was right) and well over an hour later (like 75minutes), I hauled my bike up to my apartment (okay, so I rode the elevator up - it would have made for a better story had I "hauled" it up - I live on the 27th floor). This is not a short ride for someone who is desperately out of shape. And has not been on a bike in 11 years. The hill down to the river was fun, but somehow, not quite as fun climbing up the other side. And yes, before you ask, I got off and walked up my bike anytime there was a incline. But one day, ONE DAY, I'll bike that same route and just sail up all the hills.

(The picture is inside - it is hard to take a picture of yourself while you are biking - I was pretty hot and tired at this point.)

No problem staying on program for eating today. Perhaps a little more hungry than previous days, but not starving. Filling up on water and veggies. Letting a facial mask harden as we speak. And then off to bed. I work the next few days, so we will see how this program works when I'm working. To a healthier me (and one who now remembers how uncomfortable bike seats are)....

Excuses

I am single. Reading other's blogs, I think married people envy single people in some ways. Like they get the feeling they could get whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. But not being accountable with someone who lives with you?.... Trust me, having someone there who sees you eating - I know it has stopped me from over eating before. Why make something healthy, when a huge bowl of popcorn covered with butter is WAY easier to make? And if you do decide to try for a healthy meal, I have found it usually consists of 1 type of food. Because variety takes a lot more time and why bother when it is only me?

Now, don't get me wrong. I can cook. Perhaps too well. I have learned how to make something edible with only a few ingredients. But the nutritional value was really lacking. When I do cook for others, I have more than one thing on the plate (instead of just spaghetti with cheese) because that is how normal people eat.

I have stuffed my face way too often when it is just me. Because I do care what other people think. And I know what you think when you see a fat person stuffing their face. 'Cause I think the same things too.

And yes, I eat when I want to, what I want to, and (unfortunately) how much I want to. So I do understand that there is a certain freedom in that. But I also recognize that with no one to look at me as I chow down, I have eaten way too much. And that is a habit really hard to break.

The other thing I am struggling with tonight is boredom. My plans for today fell through and even though I knew they probably would, I didn't plan on doing anything else. So now at 10 at night, I am bored, watching TV, and very thankful that I don't have any junk in the house to eat because I would. I moved to this city several years ago and haven't made a lot of friends. I know many people (though work), but don't have many people that I hang out with. Making for some very boring days off.

Both of these reasons are why I chose Jenny Craig as my weight loss program. The other is that I work shift work - 2 days on, 2 nights on, then 5 days off. Repeat. Making it impossible to do a club. Or get into a class (I fell in love with yoga a few years ago - but haven't been able to regularly make it to a class). It is even hard to go to church consistently. And forget about joining a small group through church - I would show up for 2 weeks and then miss 2 weeks. So joining any other weight loss support group would not work.

Now, I do realize that I have a lot of excuses for not having the life I dream about. But perhaps if I was honest, I would have to say that being overweight is the largest and most dominant reason for staying in. If you don't go out, you don't feel like people are judging you. On the flip side, you get bored (how much TV can you watch?) and when bored, I eat. What a cycle.

I think writing (admitting?) some of these things has helped today. So instead of going to the store and picking up a pint of ice cream (or large bag of chips, or pound of butter and popcorn, or some nice fresh crusty rolls), I'm going to go to bed. I seem to go to bed a lot earlier when I trying to lose weight. Avoid the temptation. It helps. So here's to staying on program all day today (even when I REALLY didn't want to), and to a healthier me....

Feeling Fine

Wow, day 2 of eating right and trying to move more. You know that feeling when you first start out on a program? That you are in control and that your goals are achievable? Well, I'm feeling it. I love that feeling of control.

I got up this morning and realized it was Sunday - walked to church. Haven't been to church in a while. It was good. I think it is important to work on spiritual issues. It has been a while, I have to admit. I think when you are single, it is easy to just keep plodding along in life without being challenged. I felt challenged today in church. We learned about ecology and taking care of creation. Something I probably need to think more about.

And then I had a great afternoon with my brother. It was such a beautiful day. We went out to a provincal park and enjoyed the sun.

I tried to eat small amounts regularly throughout the day. I don't think I can say that I was full, probably closer to just before full or not hungry, but I stayed on the program. I know it is only day 2, but that is 2 days closer to the healthy me than I was last month. So I feel good, in control, and like I kinda want to snack, but knowing that I'm just going to go to bed instead. Ah, the bliss of starting a new weight loss program. But it is going to work this time! So to a healthier me (and one who is heading off to bed rather than snack)...

Moderation

I just finished working a night shift this morning and a friend and I went out for breakfast. Because I still considered it yesterday and I start eating right today, I had a great time and ate amazing food, but it was less than healthy. Eggs Benedict with white wine hollandaise sauce and bratwurst. I'm not even sure if it is possible to count all the calories I consumed. And I felt that I needed to have one last unhealthy thing to eat before I start being careful.

I think I have done this each time I have seriously started any weight loss program. I tell myself that this moment is the last time I will ever have something good to eat so I better make it worthwhile. Which is nonsense. I will have to continue to eat for the rest of my life. It is a requirement for life! And I'm sure I will get many opportunities to eat good food again. For example, after waking up this afternoon, I had fresh strawberries, cereal and milk. And I am very satisfied and I enjoyed the food. I must be crazy. If I could just look at my eating habits with a little moderation, I think I would be much smaller. But the all or nothing attitude doesn't seem to be working out for me. I must try for moderation. Not binge because I have the opportunity. But eat right to enjoy good health.

Striving for moderation (to a healthier me)...

Smaller sizes

I have been looking through other blogs and reading success stories on the net. There seems to be an abundance of women losing weight after having kids. I don't find many stories out there about singles who are struggling. I find it very difficult to buy and then prepare single servings of food. Very little is sold in single sized servings. And it is difficult to prepare a variety of food when you are only feeding yourself. It is so much easier to prepare a bowl of pasta than the balanced dinner of chicken, salad, and a steam veggie. Or something similar. I end of wasting a lot of food that way. I'm really looking forward to eating prepared, single servings.

Swimming

I have a pool in my apartment building. I love to swim. This pool is the main reason I moved to my current apartment. But I don`t swim as much as I expected I would. I probably swim one to two times per week. That`s the average. I seem to go in cycles. I`ll swim 4 times in a week and then not again for 3 weeks. I think it is because I really have to psych myself up when I go. And this would be because I figure people are judging me in a bathing suit. Half the time I`m swimming, I`m the only one in the pool. I love it. I swim at my own pace and usually feel really good about the workout.

And when I share the pool with other people, the really hard part is getting in and out of the pool. Once I`m in, I just swim and don`t really worry about it. But I do swim longer and faster. So obviously their opinion of me (or at least the way I perceive their opinion of me) matters.

There is also a workout room with weights, treadmills, ellipticals, and bikes. I enjoy walking on treadmill, but I have only been in this room twice. In 10 months. Because once again, I think people would be judging me. There is almost always someone in the workout room. And I don`t have any clothes that I feel comfortable in. I have this suspicion that this feeling keeps a lot of people from working out in public.

So I don`t have a great solution yet. I did buy Wii Fit Plus. Which is a lot of fun to play. And I`m doing more than I did 2 weeks ago because of this game, but let`s be honest. A good workout... I don`t think so. But at least I`m moving more. In my own apartment.

I`m sill not eating fabulously yet - I start that probably on Thursday. I signed up for Jenny Craig. And they ship out the supplies so I`ll get the Thursday or Friday. I was really ready to start last Friday, but these few days have been good for getting my head around the whole process and why I really need to do this now. So to a healthier me (or at least one that is moving more)...

Consistency

My brother pointed out that I needed to post often to maintain my readership (yes, all 3 of you following my blog). So I spent some time thinking about that this afternoon. I'm not really writing a blog to have a large fan following (though I'm very sure that will come), I'm writing about my struggles in order to be accountable. I think it would be easier if people did not see me struggle with my weight. I would feel less of a failure if I could hide this. But because I want this to work, I'm going to write about my problems, my victories, and the monotony of daily life.

I thought of one goal I would like to meet in the next month. In order to talk about it, I have to tell you a little story. I was at work last week and a coworker's comment to me hit a little close to home. Coffee break came and I quickly walked to the staff room at the end of the hall. I sat down and my coworker said "Did you just do some heavy lifting? You are breathing really loudly." I immediately recognized that it was only from my quick walk, but I tried to brush it off by saying something very generic like "There sure is a lot of heavy lifting you can do here." I couldn't admit I was breathless from walking! So the goal is to be able to do simple tasks at work and not be breathless. And I know that goals should be specific and attainable and time oriented to be achievable (which this goal isn't), but man, I don't want to be embarrassed about my weight at work.

So today - I ate in moderation. I stopped before I was full. I exercised for 30 minutes (indoors in my apartment, but I was moving). So here's to little steps. And to a healther me.

Starting Out

This is where I start. Start losing weight. Start becoming more healthy. And start being accountable for my weight loss. I just signed up for a weight loss program, but I'm not as worried about the program as I am about the journey. For all of us who have lost weight, and then gained weight, and then lost some, then gained some more... the accountability is what seems to matter. Or at least that is what I have recently decided. I have spent a lot of time reading other blogs out there, especially weight loss blogs and I think these people are on to something.

I also like the idea of talking excessively about myself. In my real life, I don't talk to people about my feelings, fears, struggles, victories or successes. I have a hard time letting people in to my life. And I guess we could psychoanalyze the reasons behind that reluctance to share with people, but what would be the point? I have issues. I recognize that. And maybe someday I will work on all my issues. But one thing at a time. And let's start with weight. Because that is the current overwhelming issue.

I have a lot of excuses about why weight loss is not going well right now. I'm hoping that this new program with address some of those concerns. Like how I'm buying the wrong things at the grocery store, eating too much at one time, and trying to find balance when I work both days and nights. This blog is to help with the accountability. With that in mind, I'm going to actually tell you my weight (yikes!) and post pictures. Which I do not want to do. I do not want people to actually see how much I weigh. Mostly because I tell myself that I hide it well. But let's at least be honest with each other. Anyone can merely look at me and tell that I need to lose weight. But perhaps the brutal honesty will get me through this time (this one last time). So the picture... this is me right now:




At 290 pounds.

Starting now. Working towards a healthy me.